ampersand

You know what's really difficult?

Taking a deep breath,  trying to calm your racing heart and untie the knots in your gut when you don’t even really know why they’re freaking the hell out.

I don’t know how I’m gonna be able to sleep tonight.

How do you like them apples?

Good Will Hunting has been on cable at least three times in the last five days. And I always seem to catch it at the exact same point. When Robin Williams takes Matt Damon to the park and basically calls his bluff:

“But you’ve never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable. Known someone that could level you with her eyes, feeling like God put an angel on earth just for you. Who could rescue you from the depths of hell… You don’t know about real loss, ’cause it only occurs when you’ve loved something more than you love yourself. And I doubt you’ve ever dared to love anybody that much.”

The first time I saw this movie was nearly eleven years ago, and I still have the same reaction to this scene. I cry. A lot. I think it’s funny how sad I thought I was to have not fallen in love by the age of seventeen. Now, at almost 28, it’s not funny anymore. When is that person who could rescue me from the depths of hell going to come along? When will I be able to stop being scared to tell someone “Hey, I like you. We should spend some time together,” or, even better, when will that person reply “You know what, you’re right. We’re awesome together. What an astute observation”?

Maybe it’s time to say “enough now”, and throw caution to the wind. Stop trying to self-protect, because it CLEARLY doesn’t work. What am I waiting for?